Must Love Cats

Despite having a cat, I’ve been a bit lonely recently. No more than say Tom Hanks in “Cast Away,” when he draws a face on that volleyball and starts talking to it. Before I started to draw a face on my cat, Gracie (who, you know, already has one), I decided to start an online search for a human companion at a website for cat lovers. How did it go? It’s been two weeks, and I’m still filling out the questionnaire. I should be done by St. Swithin’s Day.

Without mentioning the website’s name (I’ve just finished settling the suit for my last column), I began with the seemingly simple question: “Sex?” I assumed they meant me. But as I checked mine, I wondered if they meant Gracie’s. Then I began to wonder if they meant the amount of sex I’d had. That tasteless question took up most of the morning.

Soon, I was into “Breed?” This meant Gracie. I know she is mostly American Bobtail. But she also has a bit of tabby and a smidgen of something I can’t recognize. Judging by the way she launches herself at me sometimes, it’s either cheetah or flying squirrel. I checked 13 different boxes in this section. Which I figured would make me look like a thorough candidate … or a candidate for shock treatment.

Another tricky question was, “How Often Do You Play With Your Cat?” Gracie is pretty independent and often plays by herself. When she wants to play with me, it’s her choice. Lately, when I’ve bent down near her, she’s jumped on my head and played “I’m a coonskin cap!” I left that box blank. The dating people now probably think I’m a joyless jerk.

The question “Do You Smoke?” was easy. I don’t. However, recently Gracie got too close to the fireplace, and her tail got singed. I put it out immediately. But, just to be honest, I did say my cat smoked occasionally.

Then came, “Do You Use a Scratching Post?” Confession: When I’m tense, I run my fingers down our scratching post. Gracie then puts a paw against her temple and makes a small circle to indicate that I’m crazy. I wondered if I mentioned we both used the pad, if I’d get a note from a pretty woman … or a strongly worded warning from the ASPCA.

Soon came 15 questions about education, two pages about my emotional makeup and a question about my annual income. I put down Gracie’s, since she makes a bit more. She has an inheritance. It’s a long story. Don’t ask.

Currently, I’m on page 27 of the questionnaire. I only have about 10 pages to go. Or perhaps, I’ll just go out in the street later with Gracie and hold her up to women in passing cars and see if we get any takers. Judging from this online service and their endless questions, it won’t take quite so much time. And the whole process should be a heckuva lot less embarrassing.

Back to The Cool Cat by CatChanel humor columnist Peter Gerstenzang.