Every once in a while I manage to have a really good idea. Granted, these ideas occur about as often as a Led Zeppelin reunion. And when you hear them out loud, they sound just as ridiculous. Still, I try to put them into action.
My most recent brainstorm? Why not try and get my cat, Gracie, into commercials? She is getting costly to feed and clothe (don’t ask), and I always have thought she should have a job.
I thought of loaning her out to a deli, to catch mice after hours. But you can’t get that cat to work nights — especially when “Flavor of Love 3” starring Flavor Flav is on TV. So, we recently tried the audition route. How did it go? I’m done paying for the broken glasses, and I’m getting off the meds very soon. I’ll explain.
When I walked Gracie into the production company’s office, I felt I had an edge on the competition. Most of these cats were cowering in their crates. Of course, some were getting acting lessons from their owners — like the woman who tossed a toy and had her tabby return it. Scary enough. But then she said, “Fine, Francine, but you still look like you’re acting. What’s your motivation?”
I looked at Gracie, sitting quietly with her leash and said, “Remember, your motivation is money.” Then, we were called in.
Once in, it got nerve-wracking in the main room. Cotton mouth, a rapid heartbeat. And that was just me! Gracie just stared at two other “actors” in their owner’s laps. Nearby was a table that was going to be used in the auditions. It was covered with food and crystal glasses. At the end of the table was an open can of cat food. I gathered that our “actors” were supposed to walk past the food and crystal and go right for the cat food. Then, I guessed, get up on their hind legs, juggle and sing “Swanee.”
I looked at the pricey dishes and glasses. I whispered, “Gracie, you have a new motivation: Don’t break anything!”
Well, the first cat, a hairless model, got stuck at plate two and started eating the human food. The director thanked the owner for bringing him in — Hollywood speak for, “Take him home.” Next came a Calico who walked right past the human food. Fine. However, she also walked past the cat food. Then, she jumped off the table.
Next up, Gracie. I’ll say this much for her: She gave a powerful audition. Gracie ran down the table, stopped at several plates and ate adult portions of everything. More excitingly, she swept three goblets and one china plate onto the floor. You can blame that on me. We watched “Streetcar” recently and Brando did the very same thing.
Well, we were both sent packing. But I started thinking. With those wild moves, Gracie just may have discovered the right showbiz job for herself. Hey, how does “Stunt Cat” sound to you?
Back to The Cool Cat by CatChanel humor columnist Peter Gerstenzang.