What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.

What is a cat's favorite subject?
Meow-sic

What happen when a cat loses a bet?
He comes out in a dog costume!

Why do cats make terrible storytellers?
Because they only have one tail.

Why can't leopards ever hide?
Because they are always spotted!

What cat loves to go bowling?
An alley cat

What did the magical kitty say to the audience?
"I am now going to paw this person in half!"

Why did the cat cross the road?
To get to the chicken on the other side!

What did the cat say when he was making a joke?
Just kitten!

Why did the cat get fired?
The boss caught Himalayan on the job.

How can you tell if a cat can count?
Ask him what 1 minus 1 is and see if he says nothing!

Why did the cat cross the kitchen?
To get to his food bowl.

How do you know when your gourmet meal was a flop?
The cat tries to cover it.

Why did the cat take so long to finish his painting?
Because he was a purr-fectionist!

What do English cats drink in the afternoon?
Kit-tea

How do you find the best seat in the house?
All you have to do is move the cat.

Why are cats like potato chips?
Because you just can't have one!

What did the cat say to the tree?
"Don't make me come up there!"

Why was the scratching post hot?
It had cat-scratch fever!

What kind of cheese do cats like?
String cheese

What test did the doctor order for the cat?
A cat scan

What do cat actors say on stage?
"Tabby or not tabby!"

What is a cat's favorite song?
"Three Blind Mice"

Why did the cat go to nursing school?
So she could become a first-aid kit.

Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't?
Your lap.

Why did the cats sell their homes?
Because the neighborhood had gone to the dogs!

What did the lion say to his friends before they started hunting?
Let's prey

Who delivers presents to cats on Christmas Eve?
Santa Claws

What is the cat's favorite TV show?
The Daily Mews.

How do cats end a fight?
They hiss and make up.

What is a cat's favorite island?
Meowi! 

What's the one thing cats like about computers?
The mouse. 

What do you use to comb a cat?
A catacomb. 

How many cats can you fit into an empty box?
Only one. After that, the box isn't empty. 

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Why did the cat oil the mouse?
Because it squeaked.

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.

What did the male cat say to the female cat during his proposal?
Will you meowy me?

What kind of math do cats do best?
Meow-tiplication!

Where do cats go for a date?
To the meovies.

What did one cat say to another cat during dinner?
How's the feather?

What is a cat's favorite TV show?
The Evening Mews

How does a cat use a VCR?
By pressing the "PAWS" button.

What plant is most common in a cat lover's home?
The cattail!

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws, and the other has the clause before the pause!

What operation do desperately overweight cats use to slim down?
A cat-nip and tuck

What is a cat's favorite movie?
"The Sound of Mewsic"

What do you call it when a cat moves up in life?
Purrgression.

Why did the cat cross the road?
He was chasing the chicken!

If I play baseball, and you play basketball, what do cats play?
Hairball!

How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?
C-A-T

Where is one place your cat can sit, but you can't?
Your lap.

Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball?
Her furry godmother!

A man visits his doctor and says, "I’ve been feeling like a cat lately."

The doctor looks concerned and responds, "How long have you been feeling this way?"

The man replies, "Since I was a kitten!"

What is a cat's way of keeping law and order?
Claw Enforcement

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of lemon juice?
A sourpuss!

What is a cats favorite dessert?
Mice cream!

What did the cat say when when the dog ran away?
Dog gone.

What do cats drink from when they are in outer space?
Flying saucers!

Why are cats such good singers?
Because they're very mewsical.

Mr. Mouse calls home and says, "Honey, I'm going to be late". 
 
"Another long day at the office?" replied his wife.
 
"No, cat's got my tail!" replied Mr. Mouse.

What do a cat at the beach and a cat at the North Pole have in common?
They both have Sandy Claws!

Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because the tree barked!

What is a cat's favorite household appliance?
The can o-purr-ner, of course.

Why did the owner of an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.

While on vacation in the Savannah, Mr. Manx and Ms. Munchkin stopped to admire the Siamese jewelry. Along came a Himalayan, who recommended the next stall over, which sold delicious pastries, like a strawberry-filled Scottish Fold. She turned to the others and asked what the best way to travel to the Sphinx was. They replied, "Try taking the Turkish Van!"

A Persian, a Russian Blue and a tabby cat walked into a bar. After several hours of laughing and drinking, the tabby passed out. When it came to closing time, he still hadn't woken up. The Russian Blue turned to the Persian and said, "Who's gonna pay?" The Persian said, "I'll pick up the tab if you pick up the tabby!"

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley and meowing for hours. A neighbor called the cat's owner and asked what was happening. The owner said, "Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around canceling all his engagements."

A woman was clipping weeds in her garden. Suddenly, she heard a loud meow. She looked down and realized she had accidentally clipped off her cat's tail! She picked up the cat and the separated tail, jumped into her car and drove to Wal-Mart. When she was later asked why she went to Wal-Mart and not to the vet, she exclaimed, "Well, Wal-Mart the nation's largest retailer!”

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

Which side of the cat has the most fur?
The OUT-side.

What is The cat's favorite magazine besides Cat Fancy?
Good Mousekeeping!

Why do cats make terrible story tellers?
They only have one tale.

A man runs into the vet clinic with his dog. The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The man, frantic, says, "Well, he just isn't acting right, Doc. Can you do something for him?" At this point, a cat comes sauntering into the room. The cat walks in a circle around the dog, checking him out. "Oh, don't mind him, that's my cat", says the doctor. "Anyway, your dog seems to be okay now. Take these pills and give them to him once a day. Call if you have any more problems."

Well, the dog recovered nicely. A few days later, the man receives the vet's bill in the mail. $10.00 for medicine, $450.00 for lab tests.

The man rushes to the phone-calls the doctor.

"Doctor! This bill! I'm sure you didn't run any lab tests! I don't understand! What's the $450.00 for??"

The doctor replies, "Oh, sure, that's for the cat scan."

Dear Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake claim for it becoming your food and plate, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and it is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom of the stairs is not a game. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out to the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – feline attendance is not required.

Sincerely,

Your Owner

Did you hear about the cat that drank five bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.

Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!

Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force — such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

A Cat's Motto: "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it."

A Dog Thinks, "Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice, warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!"  A Cat Thinks, "Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice, warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god." 

What did the Italian cat say about the spaghetti and meatballs?
It's purrfecto!!!

How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can

What is a cat's favorite position to play in baseball?
Cat-cher!

Why do smart cats like to play Jeopardy?
They know all the categories!

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.

What is a cat's favorite dessert?
Chocolate mousse!

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor cat on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Woof."

The vet then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor cat on the table several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600.

The cat's owner was irate. "$600! Just to tell me my cat is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been considerably less,... but with the lab work and the cat scan..."

How do cats show you they love you?
From the bottom of their litterbox.

What is a finicky feline's favorite food?
A purr-fect fish!