Leave Me A Clone
By Peter Gerstenzang
Anyone out there looking to buy a cloned cat? If so, you better move fast. The company that, uh, “makes” them, is going out of business at the end of the year, but not before it has a big pre-Christmas blowout sale on its current clones. If this appeals to you, fine. But first, let me tell you a bit about the company that decided there weren’t enough homeless cats wandering the streets…
Apparently, this cat-building business started in 2000, initiated by the company “Genetic Savings & Clone.” Nothing instills confidence in a medical establishment like a funny name, don’t you agree? This is why I have high hopes for the fertility clinic that just opened nearby, “Eggs Over Easy.” Anyway, this cat corporation managed to produce a floor model in 2004. The price? A mere fifty grand. Since the cat did not produce the proper sounds (I think it went “baah”), Genetic Savings & Clone threw in a bonus: an accompanying CD that played three hours of annoying meowing. The company stopped the promotion when it found out that Bjork released the same thing. According to a Genetic Savings & Clone spokesman, the company made five more cats in the next two years but only sold one. Apparently the others are still on the loose uprooting trees and terrorizing small communities. I heard one is developing his own reality show.
You might ask, “Why would anyone make more cats in a lab when there are already plenty of darling cats that desperately need homes? Shouldn’t there be some sort of rule that only after you show proof of purchase from a cat shelter, you then can get a cloned cat?”
Well, yes. Take my neighbor, Mrs. Lefkowitz. She has 14 cats, which means she’s entitled to a litter of clone jobs. Of course, Mrs. L. also started to train her cats to run the house and she made little butler and maid outfits for them. But, I’ll address that disorder some other time.
For those still interested in a faux feline, don’t despair should you miss the December deadline. The word on the street is that a company called, ViaGen, will take over this cat -Xeroxing next year. One small problem here, however. Apparently, ViaGen only does bovine and equine cloning. I see terrible mix-ups happening here, don’t you? All I can say is, if you get a cat from ViaGen and it stamps its feet to count or needs to be milked every day, you may want to return it immediately. I think I speak for cat lovers everywhere when I say, a creature like that is just too frightening to think about.
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Leave Me A Clone