Posted: March 2, 2009, 3 a.m. EST
I’ll admit it. I have occasionally wondered if there is a formal test to tell me how smart my cat is. But usually on very slow days, when I’m done alphabetizing my sock drawer. As it turns out, there’s an actual quiz on the Internet to test your kitty’s IQ. Interestingly enough, it comes right after an IQ test for humans. One of the first questions on that test is, “Have You Ever Tested Your Cat’s IQ?” If you answer “yes,” you automatically fail. And are reclassified as a person with special needs. Knowing this, I forged ahead anyway. To see if Gracie is as smart as I think she is.
1. You get down on all fours, bark and drool. Your cat:
a) Jumps on the nearest chair. (2 points)
b) Jumps on the nearest chair, dials the phone, calls Animal Control and rats you out as a public health risk. (4 points)
c) Jumps on the nearest chair and later that night submits a design for a better chair. (8 points)
2. You put a mirror in front of a cat. She:
a) Looks desolate that you’ve found another cat, runs off to pack and leave home. (2 points)
b) Looks particularly desolate because you’re replacing her with cat that looks just like her. (1 point)
c) Goes off and comes back with some pearls to model. (4 points)
d) Goes off and comes back with your tie and fedora to model. (6 points — minus 2 for the time you have to spend explaining the perils of cross-dressing to her.)
3. Your cat spends time playing with:
a) A laptop. She’s a genius who will soon trick you into using a litterbox. (8 points)
b) A desktop. Working on ways to get you to sleep in a catbox. (6 points — P.S.: Get out of the house now!)
c) A boxtop. Which means she can open cereal packages by herself. (4 points. Also, if you ask her for instructions, you’ll need to be tested yourself.)
4. If you give your cat a pill she:
a) Takes it upstairs to look up its side effects on her laptop. (10 points)
b) Takes it upstairs and drops it in the toilet.(8 points — bonus point if she flushes.)
c) Takes it and looks at you like she wants another. (2 points — and possibly time to take her to a 12-step program)
Add up your points. Divide by 2. Add your cat’s age, subtract her weight, multiply by the number of letters in her name. If your cat does all this herself, let me know immediately. Again, after you’ve gotten out of the house. You have a dangerously smart cat there!