"Cat sport psychologists believe kittens think if they work very hard they may qualify for the Cat Olympics to be held in India (Katmandu). These wind sprints, in the mind of the CKS kitten, are preparation for those games. Their rationalization is flawed, however, because there is no freakin' cat olympics. These little animals are really, really wacky," Dr. Melbalz said.

Symptom No. 5: Hallucinations
Lucky often has trouble with reality. Unfortunately for me, I am often the source of his hallucinations.

For some reason he views my ears as malformed potato chips that beckon to him to sneak up from behind while I'm deeply entranced in my 14th hour of cable television. Suddenly, I am roused by the sensation of mini-daggers piercing my ears. The only positive consequence is I can now hang my wife's earrings from various parts of my ears, displaying a 1980s retro punk look I'm sure will come back into vogue.

Mornings seem to be the peak times for Lucky's hallucinations. As I lie in bed trying to steal an extra 15 minutes of snooze time, dreaming of how much I love my job (hey, my boss reads CAT FANCY), Lucky takes flight and lands on my bed.

Through his aerial recognizance, he spies my leg and foot moving under my beloved comforter. His hallucinations, however, cause him to view my limbs as a terrible electric eel with an ugly head with five stubby tentacles. Determined to "save" me, Lucky heroically attempts to rid his world of this beast by repeatedly stabbing it in the head with his jagged claws until it relents, gets up and takes a shower.

Lucky displays other disturbing mental symptoms. His moods change as often as Cher changes costumes during a single performance. One minute, he joyfully prances on top of our buffet and playfully destroys irreplaceable family heirlooms. Then he will lovingly curl up on my chest to take a nap. Now what's up with that?

But here's the worst part. Lucky refuses to talk to us about his symptoms. I suspect he is sharing his plight with other disenfranchised CKS sufferers over the Internet on our computer when we're not at home. Who knows what they are scheming.

Page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5